


In Her Dreams

by lesbianmorgwen



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Canon Era, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, background Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25691161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianmorgwen/pseuds/lesbianmorgwen
Summary: Morgana reflects on her past with Gwen and dreams of the battle to come
Relationships: Gwen/Morgana (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	In Her Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an au where Gwen and Morgana are together until the end of season 3, and so Arthur and Gwen get together pre-season 4 - season 4 and also The Dark Tower doesn't happen
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated :)

It was late at night when Morgana heard of Arthur and Gwen's marriage. She was chained like an animal in the back of a carriage, with Aithusa asleep next to hear, when she heard the drivers upfront talking about it as they steered the horses toward Amata. Morgana didn’t need to be there to know what it looked like: she'd seen it enough times in her dreams. She wouldn't be seeing it anymore. Morgana remembered the last time she'd seen Gwen, not long ago. She'd held a sword to her throat. Morgana didn't think that she'd ever forget the look of terror in Gwen's eyes as Morgana prepared to strike. But she didn't regret it, she was doing what was necessary. At least, that's what she told herself.

The first time she'd met Gwen, they were both young girls. It wasn’t long after she’d come to Camelot, not long after Gorlois’ death. Morgana had been upset and confused, and that showed itself as anger. But despite Morgana’s unwelcoming exterior, Gwen saw that she was just hurt and was able to bring out a better side in her. Morgana wondered whether that side was still there.

As they’d grown older, they’d grown closer. They spent many nights huddled under Morgana’s blankets, giggling and gossiping, and many days chasing through the streets of Camelot or shopping, or just lying in fields. Gwen liked to braid flowers into Morgana’s hair. When lords or princes or knights came to visit, they would talk about them as they’d heard other girls do. One day, when they were about 14, Morgana told Gwen that she found a visiting princess rather beautiful. Gwen was surprised for a moment, but then she smiled and agreed that she was very pretty. They didn’t talk about princes much after that.

As they approached adulthood, their relationship began to change. Gwen would brush her fingers against the back of Morgana’s hand in court meetings. Morgana would hold Gwen’s hand as they shopped in busy streets. They’d kiss in empty fields and do more than giggle and gossip under Morgana’s blankets.

Morgana could remember the last time they’d kissed, just before Morgause’s immortal army had attacked and Morgana had become queen. It had felt different, wrong. Somehow Morgana had known it would be the last time. Gwen could never have supported her through everything she’d done. She understood, but she still resented her for it.

When Morgana finally slept, it was restless and tormented by visions. Distorted flashes of events that she’d been seeing for years, that were coming closer each day. She saw swords clashing and soldiers sent flying with magic. She saw Arthur, standing confident, fighting skillfully, and then weak and disconcerted. And she saw Gwen, smiling at her sadly. When she woke up with a start, the name that she was about to call out faded as she realised that she was alone. She felt the ghost of hands on her cheeks that used to comfort her after her nightmares years ago.

Morgana spent two years chained up in a pit by Sarrum of Amata, in pain and starving. For the first few weeks, she thought that maybe she’d gone too far, maybe everything she’d done had not been for the best and she’d been in the wrong this whole time. She hoped that Arthur or Gwen would come for her, despite everything she’d done, but she knew that hope was foolish. As time went on she grew even more bitter than she had been before. She soon lost track of how long it had been and she wondered what was going on outside the hole where she was trapped. Gwen would have been queen for a while now. Was she doing well? Did the people like her? Perhaps she and Arthur had a child now. Morgana imagined a tiny Arthur or Gwen running around the castle, and she already wanted to throw it out the window.

As the years past, the flashes of visions that Morgana had been seeing became clearer. She had escaped from Sarrum and begun to build up an army. She dreamed of a battle that she knew was coming soon. She found Mordred, no longer the little boy that she had cared for, but she loved him just the same, and he quite literally stabbed her in the back. And yet in her dreams, she saw him and Arthur on opposite sides of the battle, swords drawn.

More months passed and her army grew and her visions became clearer still. Mordred returned to her side and she welcomed him. The battle was imminent. She was going to either win or die.

She was in her tent at Camlann when had her last vision. She saw Gwen, alone, walking along a path not far from where Morgana slept. Morgana awoke with a start and left her tent to find the queen, ignoring Mordred’s questions and commanding him to stay behind. Morgana wasn’t entirely sure what her intentions were, but if this was her last chance to see Gwen then she was going to take it.

Morgana met Gwen exactly where she’d seen her in her dream.

“Morgana,” Gwen said. She sounded nervous, but not particularly surprised.

“My lady.”

“Don’t.”

They were silent for a moment.

“How are you finding life as queen?” Morgana asked. Gwen seemed unsure, so she added, “If I was going to kill you I’d have done it already,” though she wasn’t entirely sure if that was true.

“You haven’t made it any easier,” Gwen replied.

“If you’re looking for an apology-”

“No.”

Conversation with Gwen was awkward and difficult now. Morgana remembered the days where they’d talk for hours about everything and nothing, and wondered when that had changed.

“I miss you,” Gwen said.

“No you don’t.”

“No,” Gwen admitted, “I don’t. But I miss the old you. What happened to her?”

Morgana didn’t answer, because she didn’t have one. She’d asked herself that question many times before and she still didn’t know. The two women stood in silence, years of love and longing and hatred and bitterness between them.

“Why did you come here?” Morgana asked.

“Why did you?” Gwen countered.

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”   
“Because I miss you,” Morgana said. They both knew it was the truth.

“I’m sorry,” Gwen said, “that I wasn’t enough.”   
“No. Don’t be.” Morgana knew that she wasn’t worthy of Gwen’s apology. If either of them should be apologising then it should be Morgana, but they both knew she wouldn’t.

“Shouldn’t you be getting back to your husband, my lady?” Morgana said, her voice cold and harsh.

Gwen gave her a sad smile. She half turned around, and Morgana was ready to leave, when suddenly Gwen turned back to her and pressed her lips to Morgana’s cheek, and then left without waiting for a reaction. Morgana stood, shocked, and brushed her fingers against her cheek where Gwen had kissed her. It was something so familiar, and yet it seemed as though it was from another lifetime. Feelings that she had buried for years resurfaced, and her confusion soon turned to anger. She stormed back down to the camp and as Mordred began to ask where she’d been, she spoke over him.

“We attack tonight.”


End file.
